Been A While...


While I've been back at University studying my little heart out for my Degree, the Degree that seems to get further and further away each semester, I've very much missed updating this blog. Why do Universities keep changing the course and updating it each year? It seems as though my goal is moving ever away from me.

Anyway, while I've been away from this blog, (its been having a bit of a snooze) I've been studying my behind off.

You know how you can hit the SNOOZE button on your clock and how you can also hit the snooze option on your MS Outlook Diary? Well, there's some things I put off until next week then next two weeks then next month, next year and so on... eventually they pop up and I look at the task and think, why did I want to do that anyway? I hit delete. No guilt. No shame. Just DELETE... I don't know where I was going with that... Anyway.

So, how's your writing been going?

I've actually been fitting in a bit of writing here and there.

I attend a local Writer's Group in the next town from me and every month we set each other a challenge. This month we had to write using the word (or prompt) JOY. Last month we wrote using the word CAT. Now that was a good one. There were some really funny stories that came up and everyone had a great time with the challenge.

Here's what I wrote... It's rough draft and it's pretty much stream-of-consciousness. I had fun with it.

Drop me a line if you're still alive out there...

Zak ~ can't wait until this Semester at University...

Cat ~ From a Writer's Prompt...

Cat, was supposed to be behaving like all cats should. You know, lazing about eating, drinking, sleeping then more sleeping and you know stuff that cats normally do.

But this cat wasn’t falling for that caper. No, this cat had taken to the bottle and not just any old bottle no this cat was drinking his owner Fred’s 40 year aged bottle of red which cost him a handsome packet. The sum of four hundred dollars no less - the  Amarone della Valpolicella imported from somewhere near the Dolomite Mountains in Italy. 

Somehow Cat had started this bottle after pawing at the label that mentioned in small print its high alcohol content which was wasted on Cat because he couldn’t read. If he could read he would know that the label glowingly delighted in mentioning this wines intense aromatics ranging from resin and dried prunes to cherry cola. Yep, an expensive fancy label wasted on Cat. 

Just as cat pawed that bottle one last time, (as his interest was fading as so often happens with cats) the bottle slid over and leached a small amount over his owner’s white cloth laden table.  

 What was a Cat to do? 

Try a little.

Then a little more and lo-and-behold just a little more.

About this time, Cat decided to take the bottle along to the local footy match. Now cats wouldn’t normally do anything out of the ordinary and especially not in such a way as to attract any human attention.

Considering cats have it pretty good. As long as they played pretty dumb most of the time and entertained humans they were regarded as part of the family and rewarded with food, lodgings and generally let to have the run of the house. Cats in general had it pretty good. Cats had slaves and these slaves thought they were the cat’s masters so everything worked out well and it was totally considered a win/win situation.

What more could Cat ask for?

Anyway cat runs on down to this football field and figures it would be really cool to steal away with the football the humans seem so darn attached to. All fine in theory but when you actually do something like this, (as a cat), it sort of creates a bit of a scene and a hell of a lot of chaos. 

Basically because it’s such a curious site for humans to be witness to a cat stealing a football from a serious Saturday match. Some onlookers took photographs, now that was cute but others, the males of the human race got quite angry and ran at cat waving their arms and yelling abusive words at Cat. It wasn’t long before Cat realized the need to get away from the crowd of people who now wanted to make slinky cat furs out of him.

So he ran back to his owner’s apartment which was only a few blocks away and started to pack his suitcase. Cat realized he had blown his comfy existence and possibly ruined things for all cat-kind now and into the future. Cat didn’t have time to worry about this, he had bigger issues now.

Cat decides he needs to head off for some place to get out of the limelight and settle back down into some mellow existence of boring and safe normality. Unfortunately on his quest to escape in such a hurry he doesn’t notice some workmen laying asphalt and he slides into a freshly prepared batch. Cats are usually fairly agile creatures but with the added complexity of his tipsiness and the weight of the wine bottle, the football and the suitcase he simply sinks into the asphalt claws and all.

Cat has to think like now, quickly that is, immediately.

So what does he do?

He throws the suitcase ahead of him and leaps as best he can straight up out of the deep black mass.

He manages to get onto the suitcase but unfortunately it’s totally wedged in the asphalt at this point so he loses the suitcase and consoles himself that he still has his wine and the football as he races away from the shocked workmen.
Not realizing that over the asphalted area and just a little down the side of a slope there are more workmen preparing a children’s playing field. Cat lands right smack in the freshly laid sawdust.

Did you ever have a day like this?


You're not a cat?

Oh well.

Yep, it’s not Cat’s day, is it?

Cat rises out of the sawdust looking somewhat like a sculpture of god knows what. Cat feels like an idiot. He sees the workmen have this strange wedge shaped object and he thinks I can use that to scrape off this sawdust if I can just get over there unnoticed. Being unnoticed was not something Cat was good at today. For a black cat with only minor white markings on the ends of his paws and front of his forehead you’d think he be fairly hard to see but covered in asphalt and sawdust and bounding around like he was, well he was just a bit too noticeable and fairly soon the workmen spotted Cat.

They held their bellies and they laughed and laughed and pointed at Cat.

Cat was humiliated, annoyed and somewhat now ready to flee.

Cat thinks, if I was a cartoon about now, which is pretty much how I feel, I’d have my animator erase me right out of this picture with a giant rubber eraser. As there were no rubbers nearby Cat realized this was reality and he needed to exit stage one right about now.
Cat drank the rest of the wine in the bottle and dumped it so his load would be a whole lot easier. The football was proving to be pretty darn useless about now and he wondered why he’d taken the damned thing in the first place. What does a cat need with a football for heaven’s sakes? He tossed both the bottle and the ball.
It was round about now that cat noticed a lady through a shop window. She was making an item of clothing and she seemed totally engrossed in what she was doing. Amazingly just about the same time the automatic glass doors to her shop miraculously opened liked magic in front of him. 

Cat thought, a sign. This is a sign. There is a Cat God - thank you o’ great Cat God thank you, and Cat stealthily crept through the doors and passed by the woman unseen.

There was a small kitchenette out the back of the shop and lots of crockery and cutlery laid around the place. There was this nice looking white sandy stuff on the table and cat thought it was about time he had a little snack to tie him over. After all, Cat cannot live on wine alone. So he went over and tasted the yummy looking sand.

Phew! Plah! Plah! Gurk Gurk!

Salt! It was salt.


Cat plaah, Cat shat, cat vomited before Cat knew it he made like a Catholic and pulled out.

Pretty soon Cat noticed a building. It was big and had lights on top and flashing around the outside there was some signage.

The sign above read:  Princess Theatre - Cats ~ Now Playing…
Now Cat as you know couldn’t read but he noticed a slinky whiskered individual looking rather cute, cat-like, not bad - sexy, and she was enticing him in. Cat wasn’t falling for this. He knew from the day he was having that this was a trick. A-horrible-horrible-trick. Cat had to find another way to take a closer look.
Around the back of the building was a Cleanaway bin. It was positioned under a ledge that would allow access to an open window. Cat was good at jumping, much better than most other cats. At least Cat thought he was better and that’s all that mattered. He’d always prided himself on his extraordinary abilities and he made the pounce from the bin to the ledge and through the window all as it seemed in one quick pounce.

Holy CAT! 
 There right in front of cat stood a giant blow up kangaroo!

Of course Cat didn’t know it was full of air. Cats ears pricked, his eyes bulged, his tail sprung up like a horny porn star on crack in a brothel and every hair on his body stood tall like it had been given extra lashings of hair gel and cat was aghast not a ghost (not yet anyway). Then a motor started running. It was loud. It was deafening. Cat didn’t stick around. He jumped back out through that window and swore he’d never go near that horrid place ever-ever again.
Before Cat knew it, he’d strayed out of his territory. 

Well, we are not about to worry about that, Cat has amazing abilities. How do we know this? We know because Cat said so, so it must be so.
Cat comes up upon a dockyard. Cat has no idea what a dockyard is used for or why it’s there just as he hasn’t figured out why humans have and do all the things they do. That’s the mystery of humans. They think they are lord of all yet they spend most of their times being slaves to their things and their pets. Cat doesn’t mind this. Cat even likes that humans are this stupid. Cat looks around at the big vessels surrounding the dock and wonders how they sit there on top the water like that.

Cat couldn’t resist and Cat had to go see up close what these ships were all about and after crossing a bridge-like thing over the water onto one of the ships cat finds a room all pretty like. It’s got red curtains and blue floors and the tables are all in rows and decorated with candles and white tablecloths. It’s pretty nice really. There’s these menus on the table and luckily they have pictures of food and even luckier that there’s no one around. Cat plonks himself up on the big chair and checks out the menu. Hmmm, fish with whatever that green stuff and yellow stuff is. Yum, Fish. Cat likes fish. Cat claws a serviette and imagines the waiter coming over.

“And what can I offer you today, Mr. Cat? Can I recommend our specials”?  
A loud band from an adjoining room jolts Cat out of his reverie. A man in a fancy white suit with an even fancier hat comes into the room. Cat squats down. Lucky, fancy pants didn’t see him. Cat quietly and carefully gets down off the chair and sits watching fancy pants as he walks around the room examining everything. Cat wonders if fancy pants have seen him. Cat trembles.
Cat makes a run for it from under the table to under the next table he flees using the tablecloths to hide behind. Finally cat reaches a big loud room with much heat and steam. Cat knows this place, it’s the boiler room. He’s heard about these places through Cat Mythology and he knows it’s not a place for a cat.
Scat Cat is what he’s at, and fast too.

Not so fast sadly.

Cat lands in a tray of goo. 

What goo is this?

Cat doesn’t know that it’s paint. There's a sign that says, "Wet Paint" but we know why Cat didn't read that, don't we?

It's wet gold paint actually.

Holy cat it’s really not Cat’s day is it?

So now cat has no suitcase, no football and no wine. Cat has been painted black and sawdusted and now he has gold etchings. Cat’s looking more and more like a work of art than a cat and Cat doesn’t like this one little bit. Cat wishes he had his old safe life back. Cat wishes he’d never tasted that wine and Cat wishes to see his old mate Fred. Fred wasn’t that bad. Fred fed him. Fred made him a comfortable bed. Cat missed Fred.

A tear formed in Cat’s eye.

The sound of an accordion playing in that lovely decorated room where fancy pants intruded reverberates through to the boiler room. Cat decides there is only one course of action. Cat must get back to Fred. Fred wasn’t that dumb after all. Fred was just a nice man who cared about him and Cat now realized that his boring safe and comfortable existence wasn’t that bad after all. You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone. Cat decides his mission now is to get back to Fred and be the best Cat a man ever had.

Cat boldly walks back to fancy pant’s room. Low and behold there are now hundreds of humans in the room holding each other and moving around the room, smiling and laughing and Cat shits himself. Time to hide. Lucky, just over there near that woman’s handbag is a small blanket. Cat carefully hides under the blanket. Cat feels safe. Cat falls asleep.
Cat dreams of Fred. Well not of Fred per say but Fred’s house. Fred’s nice warm bed and his food. 

His yummy food.

Cat has died and gone to heaven. Well, not really he’s just having a snooze at this point.

Cat squeals and runs for his life. One of those damned humans pulled out a chair and placed the darn thing right on Cats tail. Cat belts up and shoots out of that room so fast the people are left looking around wondered what just happened. A woman squeals and jumps up onto a chair but Cat is well gone. He’s out of there.

Cat runs and runs and runs.

Cat finds himself out on the ship’s deck and he can see the ramp well what used to be the ramp but it doesn’t go to the dock anymore, in fact the dock is gone!

Cat stomach lurches with the heaving of the ship.

He’s surrounded by water, big, moving, bulging dark blue colored water. What’s a black cat with white paws and a white dot on his face covered in asphalt, sawdusted and gold painted to do?
Right about now Cat seriously wishes he was that cartoon and that rubber would appear and wipe out this horrible nightmare that has become his life but alas his still no cartoon and he’s still not back with Fred and his comfy life.
About now a big burly man walks up. He’s got the fiercest eyes that pierce right through Cat and he has this big long beard with arms tattooed. Cat’s afraid, really afraid and of course Cat still can’t read. If Cat could read he’d see that the big burly tough dude has a tattoo that says Mum on one arm and Rose on the other. But we know Cat can’t read. Poor cat. 

Cat thinks, “I’m doomed”. 

Cat is so shocked to see this big burly dude coming at him that he simply freezes. Surrounded by water and no hope of escape Cat simply stands like a rabbit on a log waiting to be picked up by an eagle. The big burly angry looking dude peers down at Cat. His eyes bulging and only seconds from ripping Cats throat out or worse ripping his heart out or puling his tail. Cat pretends he knows the Cats Prayer even though he doesn’t. 

The big burly dude puts his large thick fingers under Cat’s belly and lifts him up every so gently.

“Now looky at what we have here. Whatever happened to you young fella?”

Burly dude pats the cat gently, gives him a little gentle tickle under the chin and before long Cat’s fears have gone and he’s purring and cuddling up to this big tough, err well, not so tough burly dude.

Hey a Cat’s gotta do what a Cat’s gotta do to survive in this world. 

Okay so Cat prostitutes himself a little bit but hey it’s worked in his life up to this point hasn’t it?

Cat looks up into the burly dudes eyes. He can see through all the scruff and fluff on burly dudes face that as big and burly and tough as he appears he’s pretty much a wise old owl with a gentle pussy cat heart and Cat likes that about him. Cat relaxes. Cat purrs. Cat does all the prostituting cat-like actions that really suck old tough dudes like him in big time. Cat has died and gone to Cat heaven, even though he still really doesn’t believe in cat heaven though and he still can’t read and he’s still covered in asphalt, sawdusted and gold painted but it’s dry now though.
The big burly dude hums a quiet burly dude tune, okay so it’s off key, it’s loud and it’s just plain bad but just go with Cat here, remember Cat’s in Cat heaven right about now and life’s good for the first time in a long nine life Cat life. Cat hasn't had a lot of breaks in this cat life so far and hey you’ve gotta grab at every wonderful moment you can when it’s presented so blatantly in your face as it is right here right now. 
Okay, so, that was all nice and fluffy and everything a cat could want in his short existence but as you know things are not always as they seem and just as Cat really starts to let down his guard he remembers something; his luggage. Cat’s luggage was in that suit case that’s now become something of a memorial to the football players and their lost football.  I know you’re thinking what could a cat that’s just snuggled down into cat seventh heaven possibly want with a suit case?

Cats don’t wear clothes and they certainly don’t need to change their underwear. Oh, you weren’t thinking that? Oh well you are now. 
Paaaawwwleese put me out of my cat misery right now and tell me, just tell me. Well, cat wanted his stereo. Yep, Cat actually owned a stereo. Well, actually his slave, I mean master, owned a stereo and Cat borrowed it. It’s one of those stereos you put in your ears. You know the little tiny white ones with ear plugs and you download cool music like Father and Son, Hard Headed Woman, Where do the children play?, Moon Shadow but definitely not I love my Dog, songs...

Where was Cat?

Cat woke up a pleasant smell. Cat didn’t mind this nice man. He offered Cat warm milk and sardines from a can. Cat couldn’t be happier. Well, if Cat was being totally honest he could be a bit happier. If Cat was back with Fred. Yeah, Fred might have been boring and unexciting but Fred was cool in that boring sort of way. Fred was just Fred and Cat liked Fred. Cat really missed Fred and Cat really missed Fred’s poor taste in music.

And you know what?

It’s time to go back to my study so Cat just happened to have one of those identification chips in his neck and the tough guy found it. Tough guy sent Cat back to his owner after a long journey on the big big ship.

Boy does Cat have some stories to tell you sometime. 

But that’s another Cat prompt for another Cat time.

Zak - being silly.